When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Someone shattered a urinal.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
