The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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