we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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