It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
