The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
