Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
