the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
