I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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