You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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