Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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