I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't deserve a penis
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
