my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Sext me about skeletons
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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