i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
