So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
