He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
