No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
