The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
