just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
