My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
