i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
