Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
