Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
