i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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