i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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