Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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