Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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