Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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