i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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