Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
