the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
