i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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