it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
