can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
