You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
