He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
