If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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