you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
