Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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