A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
