Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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