why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
