"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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