I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
