whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
