i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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