I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
