I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
