I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
