my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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