i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
