I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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