I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
