The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
