I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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