pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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