My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
