I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize